On Pet Strollers

by LaTisha Conto

An animal can be considered an accessory only if dead. If not it’s considered a hostage.

                                                            —anonymous quote from small dog living in the                 

                                                                        vicinity of Beverly Hills (everyday)

“I’m going to have a puppy!! Yay! I’ve been artificially inseminated by my Vet. I’m registered at Petco!”

                                                    —Anonymous quote from an idiotic girl living in the

                                                                       vicinity of Beverly Hills (March 2014) 

Mark my words: It’s coming. Pretty soon women will just start giving birth to their dogs. They already clothe them, buy them necklace collars, pierce their ears, take them everywhere, and (the final straw) push them in strollers. Specially designed strollers, for dogs. Great! Because the last thing on earth a dog wants to do is go outside and get some exercise. I will allow that some dogs need a stroller. Old dogs. But owners of dogs too old to walk have survived for years on a quality device that doesn’t cost 200.00 dollars: Radio Flyer wagons. Let me also point out that no self respecting old fart dog would be caught dead in a pink stroller. I don’t even think a poodle would go for it and everybody knows that poodles, and their owners for that matter, have no taste. So why would someone buy a dog, especially a young able bodied dog, a pink stroller? Attention: “Look at me!! Look at me!! Aren’t I adorable?” The answer is no. You are actually really sad and pathetic. Here is the deal with dogs and babies, ladies. Babies need strollers because they cannot walk. Toddlers need strollers because they become easily tuckered out and need a rest from time to time. Dogs (especially those little yippy ones you all seem to have) want to walk! They actually like it! Wait, scratch that. They loooove it! And you know how yippy they are? Do you know why? Because they are like little meth heads locked in a pen and unable to move. And all they want is a toothbrush so that they can clean the walls. They need to get rid of all that energy! It’s very sad. Sad, because I imagine when the dogs get home from their stroll they pout around the house. This causes you to believe the dog is depressed. Damn Skippy—Skippy’s depressed. But you think it’s psychological so you take him to a pet therapist when really you are the one who needs the therapist. What you really want is attention and love. But you don’t want the full commitment of raising a child. The next best thing is an animal. But just like raising a child, it isn’t about what you want or need, it’s about what they want and need. And if they have at least three legs they want to run free! They need to run free! Haven’t you seen the mighty dog commercials?  Please don’t abuse your dogs ladies, because that is what you’re doing when you put them in a stroller. I mean, how would you feel if someone kept you from your daily Yoga class?