Idea Blob, Blog

by LaTisha Conto

The other night i witnessed some truly disturbing behavior: apparently there is an organization, Idea Blob, which, as far as I can tell invades a bar with mostly non drinkers, sets up a microphone and encourages slightly awkward self labeled entrepreneurs to divulge their cutting edge ideas.
First Ridicio up said it was his idea "to create a search tool that gathered information based on the word you typed (muffled) the computer." I didn't have the heart to tell him that the Internet had already been invented by a guy named Al Gore. Or so I've heard.
The next guy came up with a great idea for an online dating service that MATCHed people based on their compatibility. The big twist? Breakfast dates! So basically his idea is to legitimize the one night stand. We all know the drill, the breakfast 'date' you have with the man the night after sleeping together too soon; You want him out of your apartment fast and then you want to make sure he kinda thinks you're a quality girl. So, his idea is Match.com for whores: Snatchmatch.com. Sounds kinda lame to me.
The only great idea of the night came when the host said "well, i think it's time to wrap this up".
"Brilliant!"
I left pissed (drunk and slightly annoyed), feeling left out, I must confess. I wanted to stand up there and share all the thoroughly bad, offensive, and all together great ideas I've been keeping up in my mental filing cabinet. So by golly, whilst listening to Dolly, i have written out the ideas I plan on sharing at the next meeting. I hope you loathe them, despise them, crack up at least once and then want to punch me in the face after. (Blog about my pathetic desire for a black eye to follow) 

1. Even I'll admit it: I've gone too far this time.

We've got starving children all over the third world waiting for someone to send money. The Christian Children's Fund does their best, but I feel like they are missing their target customer- Child Pornographers. I propose a new sponsor program for those disgusting-middle aged-white -male-mid level management types. You send us fifty dollars a week and we'll send you a photo of a naked child just waiting to be sponsored! Each month thereafter, you will receive an updated naked photo of the child you are sponsoring! Also, if you make a lifetime commitment to the program, and we're sure you will, we'll allow you to sponsor up to five children! Then you can receive group photos of your naked children. Afraid of the law? Not to worry, we have it all covered! Our lawyers are standing by ready to argue your case. After all, it was our very own government that taught us that crime isn't really crime at all, so long as you are marginally helping the people you are perpetrating these crimes against! So act fast! The cute kids are the first to be sponsored! You don't want to end up with a Sri Lankan do you?

2. Segregation Never- Discrimination Now!

We all agree that segregation is a terrible terrible terrible thing. And one should never be discriminated based on Race, Creed, Color, Orientation, etc. But one most certainly should be discriminated against based on taste! I propose we readopt a class system for all things social. Let us start with the movie theatres! The way this works is that every year you are given a questionnaire based on your tastes. After you answer the questionnaire you will receive a class A, B or C license determining which types of films you are able to get into. 

The questionnaire would look something like this:

1. Do you like to eat popcorn while you're watching a film?

2. Do you like to eat popcorn one kernel at a time?

3. Do you enjoy Will Smith movies?

4. Do subtitles make you sleepy?

5. Do you think it is okay to talk during a film if it has subtitles?

6. Is it ever acceptable to talk during a film?

7. Are children ever necessary at film with a rating of PG?

Okay! Time for the results! 

3. Operation Cockroach drop!

We hate em, the Cambodians eat em. The U.S. has an image problem, and Cambodia could use some tasty snacks. I say we boost our humanitarian aid efforts and send over all of our unwanted cockroaches. (Unfortunately OJ will have to stay here, too big for the crate that cockroach) And the beauty of this is that if we send five thousand cockroaches over in a crate, by the time it gets there we will have sent fifty thousand cockroaches. I think I'll have Madoff chair this operation!

4. Politicians cut a rug like politicians cut the budget!

I think everyday the New York Times should be required to run a picture of a high ranking politician- dancing! And it should be accompanied by a really snazzy headline! Some examples:

Barack me gently, Barack me slowly.

Bush it, Bush it real good.

Al-Gorhythm

Joe bi-den, Joe Bi-dah, life goes on.....

DON'T WORRY KIDS, I HAVE MANY MORE IDEAS TO FOLLOW... NEXT TIME I'LL SOLVE THE HUGO CHAVEZ PROBLEM, TACKLE HORN HONKERS, AND FINALLY GET TO THE BOTTOM OF WHAT IS GOING ON WITH BOB COSTAS' HAIR....

CIAO KITTIES......

On Pet Strollers

by LaTisha Conto

An animal can be considered an accessory only if dead. If not it’s considered a hostage.

                                                            —anonymous quote from small dog living in the                 

                                                                        vicinity of Beverly Hills (everyday)

“I’m going to have a puppy!! Yay! I’ve been artificially inseminated by my Vet. I’m registered at Petco!”

                                                    —Anonymous quote from an idiotic girl living in the

                                                                       vicinity of Beverly Hills (March 2014) 

Mark my words: It’s coming. Pretty soon women will just start giving birth to their dogs. They already clothe them, buy them necklace collars, pierce their ears, take them everywhere, and (the final straw) push them in strollers. Specially designed strollers, for dogs. Great! Because the last thing on earth a dog wants to do is go outside and get some exercise. I will allow that some dogs need a stroller. Old dogs. But owners of dogs too old to walk have survived for years on a quality device that doesn’t cost 200.00 dollars: Radio Flyer wagons. Let me also point out that no self respecting old fart dog would be caught dead in a pink stroller. I don’t even think a poodle would go for it and everybody knows that poodles, and their owners for that matter, have no taste. So why would someone buy a dog, especially a young able bodied dog, a pink stroller? Attention: “Look at me!! Look at me!! Aren’t I adorable?” The answer is no. You are actually really sad and pathetic. Here is the deal with dogs and babies, ladies. Babies need strollers because they cannot walk. Toddlers need strollers because they become easily tuckered out and need a rest from time to time. Dogs (especially those little yippy ones you all seem to have) want to walk! They actually like it! Wait, scratch that. They loooove it! And you know how yippy they are? Do you know why? Because they are like little meth heads locked in a pen and unable to move. And all they want is a toothbrush so that they can clean the walls. They need to get rid of all that energy! It’s very sad. Sad, because I imagine when the dogs get home from their stroll they pout around the house. This causes you to believe the dog is depressed. Damn Skippy—Skippy’s depressed. But you think it’s psychological so you take him to a pet therapist when really you are the one who needs the therapist. What you really want is attention and love. But you don’t want the full commitment of raising a child. The next best thing is an animal. But just like raising a child, it isn’t about what you want or need, it’s about what they want and need. And if they have at least three legs they want to run free! They need to run free! Haven’t you seen the mighty dog commercials?  Please don’t abuse your dogs ladies, because that is what you’re doing when you put them in a stroller. I mean, how would you feel if someone kept you from your daily Yoga class? 

An open letter to the boys and girls who shame women for dressing sexy on Halloween.

by LaTisha Conto

We get it: you want to let the world know that you think girls dressing up as ‘sluts and skanks’ on Halloween is played out and ridiculous. But, do you want to know what else is ridiculous? You. Yes, you have become worse than the actual scantily clad nurses and cops.

We live in a strange society that says it wants its women to be sexy and smart but not too sexy and not too smart – balance. And so on Halloween - where men go unchecked in their secret desires to be superheroes and villains and get to run around dressed as Superman, Batman and (insert character) from overly quoted comedy of the time - we bash women for running around as a sexy version of a professional. Think about it. Women are told to become doctors, lawyers, cops, politicians and teachers. It is also made perfectly clear that women are to be sexy. So, it seems pretty natural to me that women dress up like a hybrid for Halloween. We created the world in which these half naked girls run rampant in. Yet, instead of looking at ourselves we do the easy thing; we write witty little posts about how obnoxious it is these girls will once again disappoint us by dressing as the sexy park ranger.

And let us not forget about what the men are doing on this night. They dress up like superheroes (fantasy) and deranged maniacs (reality) and we allow it. Not to mention that those tights and body suits they wear can sometimes be more revealing than the sexy doctor or slutty politician. These men run around the city, simultaneously hitting on the skanky cop, and the girl in the oversized cow costume ‘who is glad she’s comfortable and not like one of those skanks that needs to dress sexy.’ Oh sweeties, don’t you see what’s happened? Men have turned the women against each other(again). It’s so bad that women whom profess to be feminists come out against sexy costumed women. There is no need for it and it must stop. Women must stop shaming each other and start fighting the true enemy!

And just who is our true enemy? The dipshit dressed as PSY dancing to Gangnam Style all night speaking broken English (though PSY does not). The lame guy who is probably going as Mitt Romney as Harry Dent. The guy dressed as Honey Boo Boo. Can’t we start shaming these assholes?

Let us all stop spending energy trying to make women feel bad. We are already so insecure and hard on ourselves.

My advice? If you want to dress like a sexy cop do it. Oversize cow costume? Do it! But if the guy in the Big Bird costume comes up to you at a party and wants to hit on you with the line ‘I respect that you wore something comfortable and cute and didn’t try to be all sexy and stuff’ - please know that he probably just tried to bang Malibu Barbie in the bathroom, and tell him to Fuck off and please go make friends with Malibu Barbie. She’s probably really cool. And if she’s not, she’s still cooler than the douche who thinks dressing up as Big Bird is somehow unique or clever.

We get it: you want to let the world know that you think girls dressing up as ‘sluts and skanks’ on Halloween is played out and ridiculous. But, do you want to know what else is ridiculous? You. Yes, you have become worse than the actual scantily clad nurses and cops.

We live in a strange society that says it wants its women to be sexy and smart but not too sexy and not too smart – balance. And so on Halloween - where men go unchecked in their secret desires to be superheroes and villains and get to run around dressed as Superman, Batman and (insert character) from overly quoted comedy of the time - we bash women for running around as a sexy version of a professional. Think about it. Women are told to become doctors, lawyers, cops, politicians and teachers. It is also made perfectly clear that women are to be sexy. So, it seems pretty natural to me that women dress up like a hybrid for Halloween. We created the world in which these half naked girls run rampant in. Yet, instead of looking at ourselves we do the easy thing; we write witty little posts about how obnoxious it is these girls will once again disappoint us by dressing as the sexy park ranger.

And let us not forget about what the men are doing on this night. They dress up like superheroes (fantasy) and deranged maniacs (reality) and we allow it. Not to mention that those tights and body suits they wear can sometimes be more revealing than the sexy doctor or slutty politician. These men run around the city, simultaneously hitting on the skanky cop, and the girl in the oversized cow costume ‘who is glad she’s comfortable and not like one of those skanks that needs to dress sexy.’ Oh sweeties, don’t you see what’s happened? Men have turned the women against each other(again). It’s so bad that women whom profess to be feminists come out against sexy costumed women. There is no need for it and it must stop. Women must stop shaming each other and start fighting the true enemy!

And just who is our true enemy? The dipshit dressed as PSY dancing to Gangnam Style all night speaking broken English (though PSY does not). The lame guy who is probably going as Mitt Romney as Harry Dent. The guy dressed as Honey Boo Boo. Can’t we start shaming these assholes?

Let us all stop spending energy trying to make women feel bad. We are already so insecure and hard on ourselves.

My advice? If you want to dress like a sexy cop do it. Oversize cow costume? Do it! But if the guy in the Big Bird costume comes up to you at a party and wants to hit on you with the line ‘I respect that you wore something comfortable and cute and didn’t try to be all sexy and stuff’ - please know that he probably just tried to bang Malibu Barbie in the bathroom, and tell him to Fuck off and please go make friends with Malibu Barbie. She’s probably really cool. And if she’s not, she’s still cooler than the douche who thinks dressing up as Big Bird is somehow unique or clever.

There is no L.A. story

by LaTisha Conto

Remember the good ol’ days when Los Angeles was an interesting city that captivated the world? Hollywood films were made in Hollywood, Charles Manson and his crazies had us bewitched, ugh, transfixed in front of our televisions? There were the Zodiac murders, which got this eight year old thinking about her astrological sign. Race riots in Watts captivated a nation in the sixties and not to be outdone, L.A. of the nineties with a little help from Rodney King, reminded us that no, we (still) can’t all just get along. Burning and looting followed, and soon we saw one Reginald Denny cursing the day he decided to be a truck driver. (Later he would remark that he should have used the waiting period for receiving his truck operating license to research other job opportunities)

Gone are the days of old. We simply don’t muster the kind of attention the other big cities do. Even O.J. has decided to take his “alleged” indiscretions elsewhere. The crips and the bloods have called a truce, and, for the most part obeyed, with most members settling down to retire and write children’s books. L.A. is in her twilight years, settling down to take a long nap. We’re boring. Our traffic situation isn’t even the worst. We’ve got nothing to compete for “best-worst-big-city-full-of-tragedy-of-the-year-award”. The only legitimate shot we have at winning the award is entering with the ‘hey, we have immigration marches!’ But when New Orleans has Katrina and Chicago has Kanye West (if anyone disagrees with this as a tragedy I beg you to take a look at the song ‘good life’ and let the line ‘I’m salty... Lawry’s nigga’ assault your ears, and then tell me he is not a tragedy) and New York with the ever so popular 9-11 lifetime entry, it’s going to take something more than a little immigration rally dust up to get us noticed. My proposal? Stop trying! Let us, let ourselves (Angelinos) be known as the “Sleepiest Peaceful Little Big City in the World with a Disneyland!”

Now it seems to me the only people who haven’t gotten the memo about L.A.’s retirement are the local news anchors, reporters and L.A. Times writers and photojournalists. So I, being a sweet and gentile person, have decided to resend the memo reminding these offenders of their offenses and offering gentle suggestions on how to correct any further problems.


See below attached memo.

Memorandum
To: KTLA, KCAL9, KABC LA, KTTV, FOX 11, John and Ken, 1070 news radio….
CC: LOS ANGELES TIMES and staff writers
From: LaTisha 
Date: 11/18/2008
Re: You are all retarded and need to abide by a newly imposed Stay of Reporting.


Confidential

The state of Los Angeles –

· No one is interested in the goings on of Los Angeles unless your subject is a celebrity and that celebrity is on drugs. TMZ and a very mean man named Perez Hilton handle all Celebrity related material so please do not bother looking for that story.

· We’re on the D list of celebrity cities. Huge disasters just don’t happen here anymore. So when something like a fire, or an earthquake or a Metrolink crash does happen, please don’t play it up like it’s the biggest thing to happen here since the nineties; it’s makes us look like pathetic attention whores.

Recent troubles in reporting-

· Sticking a microphone in the face of someone who has just lost their house, or just been pulled out of a derailed train and asking “how are you feeling?” is not going to win you the George Polk excellence in television journalism award. It is however going to make you look like a cold, heartless wretch. P.S. If you stand next to a smoldering house and ask someone how they are feeling, you also look incompetent for having to ask the question.

· Announcing on live television that neighbors whose houses were not burned down must feel guilt that they were spared and their neighbors weren’t isn’t going to get you that anchor job at CBS - NBC? yes, but CBS no. It will on the other hand encourage that “spared” neighbor to drink heavily, now feeling the guilt you put into his head and out to the nation. Not to worry though, you’ll get a story out of this in six months when you do the follow up and after a heavy night of drinking the neighbor guiltily comes to the door (the only door left in this ravaged neighborhood) in his bathrobe and you stick the microphone in his face and ask him how he is feeling.

· Stop sweating the small stuff. During the Los Angeles (hiccup) earthquake, reporters turned a little bitty thing into a huge national ordeal just by talking! Reporters on TV. with national anchors said things like: “yeah, I was sitting in my chair when I felt the ground shaking and I thought about maybe getting up and running into the doorway” Stop! You’re over reporting! If you have time to think about what you might do during an earthquake, well then that’s not really an earthquake. It’s an earth-shake, and not worthy of “breaking news” status. Certainly not worthy of interrupting Oprah- which you did-.

· On site reporters: if you have to wear a fire retardant Ralph Lauren blazer so that you’re camera ready and safe- it means you’re too close to the fires. Go away! Report from somewhere safe, like, I don’t know, your studios? There is no point to being right where the “action’ is. And remember ‘action’ is an offensive word when used in response to a tragedy. Let’s seem sympathetic to the poor people involved for at least twenty four hours.

· Stop using the following words: Major, total, sweeping, destruction, massive, Chaos*

· In regards to the chaos remark so commonly used with the Metrolink “disaster” it has been reported (wink) that most of the chaos was caused by reporters interviewing victims before emergency medical technicians could give treatment causing a chaotic atmosphere reminiscent of a Terry Gilliam film set. We have come up with the following acronym to assist you in sequence of response should another disaster occur: D.E.A.R.G.O.D!: Disaster, Emergency, Assistance, Reporters-Get Only Dafacts!

Problems in photojournalism-

· Stop embellishing and doctoring photos! I’m talking specifically to LA Times and the bloggers here. In the picture below, used by the Los Angeles Times, we see an example of the great destruction of the July 30, 2008 earthquake:

GroceryStore.jpg

The problem? It’s a set up. Why are there paper towels in the juice aisle of a super market? Where did they come from? This looks like an obvious attempt to stir up hysteria about the little earthquake that couldn’t. In the future, if there isn’t anything to report-don’t!

Plan of action:

Proposed Stay of Reporting:

It has become clear to me and others on this board that the news organizations are guilty of sensationalizing the news at the expense of those involved in what truly are tragic and disastrous moments. We the citizens of Los Angeles in order to protect our fellow Angelinos propose that all news organizations, papers, bloggers etc. abide by a 72 hour Stay of Reporting. Speaking for the board I feel it is not such a great thing to ask of them, after all, waiting periods are part of everyday life. We as citizens must endure waiting periods before obtaining a marriage license, gun permit, truck operating license, legal status. As adults we are encouraged to wait for a few days before calling after a first date (one of the waiting periods I will never understand! But alas...). We wait to argue, feeling that in the event that a cooling off period takes place it may save us from saying things we don’t mean. And this is exactly my point. I understand that you as journalists don’t intend to seem silly, or frivolous, or worse; insensitive rambling fools in it to make a name for yourself. Sadly, this is exactly what you sound like when you report on events “as they happen” Give it up! No one is that interested in L.A. as a spectacle anymore. We don’t need to see the minute to minute details of the pain and anguish our fellow Angelinos are going through. Let them have their disaster and grieve and be sad without having to surmise what they feel while they are standing in front of their smoldering house! Back off! Let them breathe. I propose three days. Fires in Montecito? Thanks for the info, in three days I will sit down and listen to a reporter with some perspective and calm talk for more than thirty seconds to Mary Angelino about the heartbreaking loss of the house she has lived in for forty years.

A critique of MERCY. Another gem from Kanye.

by LaTisha Conto

Okay, here we go:

It starts off with some crazy sounding woman speaking in a language I can’t undestand. But fear not! Big Sean to the rescue with what I believe to be is the translation _ Lamborghini Mercy your chick she’s so thirsty – Ah but mayne he’s wrong because crazy lady interupts him mid sentence and seems to say ‘No that aint what I said’ He tries again and says, well, the same thing.

@ Chainz offers up his own interpretation –Swerve, Swerve – but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have it right either.

Seems like Big Sean  gets annoyed and stops it all by starting it off:

Again, it sounds like he has a tracheotomy and is holding a voice box to his throat. He seems to be playing a game of boggle and just keeps layering words based on the variation of ass.

Sometime during his verse it seems like the Make A Wish kid wandered into the studio (also known as Kanye) to record his wish to be a rapper (huuhhhhhhhhh)

So translator  comes back in and speaks English and then crazy woman translates it for him into ?

Pusha T comes in and has one of the lamest verses and to spice it up (I think) they just toss in the word Ho at the end) He lets us know that he was a Jetsons fan (were’nt we all)

Crazy woman comes back and goes on a rampage in some language I can’t understand and at this point I’m sure Pusha T, 2 Chainz and Big Sean have all decided ‘Fuck this’ and have left the studio so that it’s just crazy woman and Make A Wish

Make A Wish raps, He of course mentions Molly (because like seats being bleached or like cocaine, rappers know how to beat an idea to death. At press time I’m sure that no less than 10 rap songs hot right now mention something about Molly) His bitch is prettier than your bitch and he’s the shit. Like we didn’t know.

Ope, here comes Pusha talking about what color everything he owns is : Chain- akon, Coupe: Mayonaise. He lets you know A1 steak sauce is his favorite (normally I wouldn’t suppose he’s talking about steak sauce here but one can only assume that since this is his clique and Kanye gave us the gem – ‘ Laury’s salty’ – I believe it’s steak sauce he is referring to.

 

Ick, Ick, Ick, Ick, Ick: Kanye gets some old intel, and JayZ multiplies. A critique of CLIQUE by Kanye West, JayZ and Big Sean

by LaTisha Conto

CLIQUE by Kanye West, JayZ and Big Sean

I would leave this alone entirely if it wasn’t self-proclaimed ‘GOOD music’

Big Sean starts things off and by the sound of it he is just as shocked to be on this record as we are listening to it: Oh God. Whoa. Okay.

At first I think when he says clique, he’s talking about unloading a gun but then I realize he says it five times and so he must be talking about his group of individuals who hang out together. 

He sounds like he had a tracheotomy and has a voice modulator held up to his throat. (But so does Drake, so maybe this is a trend I’m missing out on)

He goes into his verse and it immediately sounds like Good Burger Soundtrack meets Nickelodeon Sitcom theme song. 

He says some stuff about being the villain, and rich, and banging chicks. Super edgy stuff.

JayZ - basically drops a bunch of names and proves he can times by 2 while he raps. 

Big Sean comes back to let his know that nobody fucking with his clique (though I do believe this post proves otherwise)

Oh God. Whoa: Here comes Kanye. He’s proud his girl got famous by sucking dick. He drops George Tenet’s name and I can only assume Tenet and Kanye were talking 2002 politics, but I do love that Kanye feels special enough to talk to the ex-ex-ex CIA him in a song. He quickly moves on and outs Tom Cruise (Whatever she accuse/ He wasn’t really drunk he just had a few brews) and he mentioned he might go into the hotel design business.

(SIDEBAR) His clothing line looks like the kind of shit I designed in the 4th grade when I would daydream about having my own clothing line. 

Also, he lets you know that he knows that Bar Rafael is from Israel and Giselle is Brazilian.  He lets you know he is blessed. And then Big Sean comes back to tell us that ain’t nobody fucking with his Clique.

Next up we dissect Mercy. And oh Mercy is it a mess…

Hookless bathroom stalls and the men who built them.

by LaTisha Conto

Three months ago a statement is made by my brother: 'Men are better than women because men design and build everything.'

Two months ago an observation: There I was sitting in the stall of an LAX airport restroom catching my breath after having just performed, yet again, the incredible one handed bathroom wiggle; the one handed pull down of one’s pants and panties. Men are probably wondering why I’m only using one hand and women are shaking their heads because they know why I’m using only one of my two good hands: The other hand is holding my purse! And why? Why would I be holding my purse whilst going to the restroom? No purse hooks! It’s an outrage! An injustice! And if I need one of my hands to hold my purse and I have an extra, what’s a one-armed girl to do? Hold her purse with her teeth? And P.S. - when it comes to airport safety I think a proper place for a purse is more important than a sober pilot. I really do.

It’s at that moment I understand that men have built this bathroom and men are responsible for all of stalls void of purse hooks in all bathrooms around the world, and this oversight is exactly the thing that gives me the power to confidently respond to my friend “men are not better because they build everything. Women carry purses!” I know, it’s confusing to me too.

What is really troubling me about the bathroom situation is that I can’t understand what these men were thinking when they built this restroom. I mean, first of all there is no possibility that this bathroom predates purses. The first evidence of purses came from Egyptian hieroglyphics around the time of 3200BC and the first public restrooms weren’t introduced until 1214AD.

So again I wonder what were these men thinking? Women don’t carry purses? That can’t be it, right guys? Because I’m sure if you think back to childhood you’ll remember a certain lady, carrying a certain bag, stuffed full of all of your crap: your retainer, inhaler, snacks, her checkbook for your toy store tantrums, and an extra change of underwear after an especially dramatic toy store tantrum. Her purse saved your life over and over again. How could you forget?

Or how can you forget about the purse your first girlfriend carried. You know the one that produced the condom? The condom you forgot to bring. That purse gave you a life! (And didn’t give you a life, you know) How could you not think about that purse when building a bathroom?

Or maybe you did remember that women carry purses and you just think that a floor is a great place for a purse. If you do think a floor is a great place for a purse than I will use my free hand to punch you in the face. If I had a free hand. 

I suspect that most of you men/bathroom builders fall into this final possibility: You weren’t thinking about women at all. And this is such a sad, but not entirely surprising, conclusion. Men! Men! Boys and Men! Purse hooks and clutch shelves (clutches are tiny little purses void of straps or handles) are the only NECESSITY in a bathroom. Women don’t need anything else!
Tampon dispensers? No. We carry our own and no self respecting woman would use a generic tampon - we’re brand loyalists at heart. Soap? No thanks, we carry our own hand sanitizer that smells like our lotion - we can’t mix smells like you men do.
Paper towels, seat covers, toilet paper? Nope. We carry face tissue, which we usually use to blot our face, but in a pinch it can be used for all paper functions.
We could even get by without a sink- we usually carry a water bottle.
And do you know where all this is carried? Yep! In our purses! The purses that you don’t even think are worthy of a measly little hook!
The next time you wonder why it is that girls always go to the bathroom together consider that maybe it’s because they're going to need someone to hold their purses. 

You know what’s really sad about the whole thing is that if we were in charge of building your bathrooms we would know what to do to make it a more comfortable, stress-free experience. We think it’s a basic right of all men to be able to pee in private. We would immediately do away with urinals. We would literally outlaw them. And more atrocious, troughs! (Sidenote: are men pigs because they grow up peeing into troughs or did troughs come about after men began displaying piggish behavior?) You see, the difference between men and women is that women do think about what men need. We understand that the half of you that don’t suffer from stage fright in the bathroom probably suffer from penis envy. We want to help you! We would make it happen for you. So why can’t we get a couple of little hooks in every single bathroom stall across the world?