The other night i witnessed
some truly disturbing behavior: apparently there is an organization, Idea Blob,
which, as far as I can tell invades a bar with mostly non drinkers, sets up a
microphone and encourages slightly awkward self labeled entrepreneurs to
divulge their cutting edge ideas.
First Ridicio up said it was his idea "to create a search tool that gathered information based on the word you typed (muffled) the computer." I didn't have the heart to tell him that the Internet had already been invented by a guy named Al Gore. Or so I've heard.
The next guy came up with a great idea for an online dating service that MATCHed people based on their compatibility. The big twist? Breakfast dates! So basically his idea is to legitimize the one night stand. We all know the drill, the breakfast 'date' you have with the man the night after sleeping together too soon; You want him out of your apartment fast and then you want to make sure he kinda thinks you're a quality girl. So, his idea is Match.com for whores: Snatchmatch.com. Sounds kinda lame to me.
The only great idea of the night came when the host said "well, i think it's time to wrap this up".
I left pissed (drunk and slightly annoyed), feeling left out, I must confess. I wanted to stand up there and share all the thoroughly bad, offensive, and all together great ideas I've been keeping up in my mental filing cabinet. So by golly, whilst listening to Dolly, i have written out the ideas I plan on sharing at the next meeting. I hope you loathe them, despise them, crack up at least once and then want to punch me in the face after. (Blog about my pathetic desire for a black eye to follow)
1. Even I'll admit it: I've gone too far this time.
We've got starving children all over the third world waiting for someone to send money. The Christian Children's Fund does their best, but I feel like they are missing their target customer- Child Pornographers. I propose a new sponsor program for those disgusting-middle aged-white -male-mid level management types. You send us fifty dollars a week and we'll send you a photo of a naked child just waiting to be sponsored! Each month thereafter, you will receive an updated naked photo of the child you are sponsoring! Also, if you make a lifetime commitment to the program, and we're sure you will, we'll allow you to sponsor up to five children! Then you can receive group photos of your naked children. Afraid of the law? Not to worry, we have it all covered! Our lawyers are standing by ready to argue your case. After all, it was our very own government that taught us that crime isn't really crime at all, so long as you are marginally helping the people you are perpetrating these crimes against! So act fast! The cute kids are the first to be sponsored! You don't want to end up with a Sri Lankan do you?
2. Segregation Never- Discrimination Now!
We all agree that segregation is a terrible terrible terrible thing. And one should never be discriminated based on Race, Creed, Color, Orientation, etc. But one most certainly should be discriminated against based on taste! I propose we readopt a class system for all things social. Let us start with the movie theatres! The way this works is that every year you are given a questionnaire based on your tastes. After you answer the questionnaire you will receive a class A, B or C license determining which types of films you are able to get into.
The questionnaire would look something like this:
1. Do you like to eat popcorn while you're watching a film?
2. Do you like to eat popcorn one kernel at a time?
3. Do you enjoy Will Smith movies?
4. Do subtitles make you sleepy?
5. Do you think it is okay to talk during a film if it has subtitles?
6. Is it ever acceptable to talk during a film?
7. Are children ever necessary at film with a rating of PG?
Okay! Time for the results!
3. Operation Cockroach drop!
We hate em, the Cambodians eat em. The U.S. has an image problem, and Cambodia could use some tasty snacks. I say we boost our humanitarian aid efforts and send over all of our unwanted cockroaches. (Unfortunately OJ will have to stay here, too big for the crate that cockroach) And the beauty of this is that if we send five thousand cockroaches over in a crate, by the time it gets there we will have sent fifty thousand cockroaches. I think I'll have Madoff chair this operation!
4. Politicians cut a rug like politicians cut the budget!
I think everyday the New York Times should be required to run a picture of a high ranking politician- dancing! And it should be accompanied by a really snazzy headline! Some examples:
Barack me gently, Barack me slowly.
Bush it, Bush it real good.
Joe bi-den, Joe Bi-dah, life goes on.....
DON'T WORRY KIDS, I HAVE MANY MORE IDEAS TO FOLLOW... NEXT TIME I'LL SOLVE THE HUGO CHAVEZ PROBLEM, TACKLE HORN HONKERS, AND FINALLY GET TO THE BOTTOM OF WHAT IS GOING ON WITH BOB COSTAS' HAIR....